hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
