Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
