the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
