My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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