Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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