you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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