my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
