Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
