Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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