i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
