What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
