Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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