We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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