i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
