So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
