Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
