Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
