Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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