dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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