i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
