i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
please come you make the beer taste better
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
