my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
