Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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