My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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