i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
