you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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