my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
