Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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