I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
