Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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