I puked a lego.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
