the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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