He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
