so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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