hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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