I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
