You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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