We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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