Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
