so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
