Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
