Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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