areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
