i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
