he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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