Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
