Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
