A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
