Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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