So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
