I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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