I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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