thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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