Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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