i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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