i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
