my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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