I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Randomize
