My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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