I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
