I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
