Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
