You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
